State of sadness and fight against depression

State of sadness and fight against depression

How i got back to myself again?

As i reminded You about throwing the amulet away when i came to Poland,

i would like to explain certain aspects about why i did it, and what were the consequences. It was a period, where i wanted to prove myself that I am different from my friends back home, that i could be very social and make friends and meet people easily( i was a very shy kid in school, and still am to a certain extent today). I did it because i couldn’t do many things i was doing with the amulet on my body. Our religion does not encourage drinking, smoking, partying or sex for that matter. It was the simplest choice to make during the period i was living here(throwing the amulet away).  People go into a bad state when they throw a part of their culture away. That is exactly what happened. I was doing all the things which were taboo in my culture and religion. Every week i would go to parties and smoke and try to meet new people(It’s interesting to know how much pain some people are willing to suffer, to feel accepted and liked by others). This was my chance to be free. You can’t imagine how much i was motivated to show my friends(back home) that I am not Jay ‘the Indian’, but this confident alpha male from Europe. I had to cut ties with my friends and family back home. I stopped talking with my brother, immediate relatives and my long term friends from school and my play friends from childhood( i even did not accept friend invites on Facebook, and pretended that i didn’t exist). I was doing this because i was afraid of being judged. I thought, anyways in 3 or 5 years i will be a completely new, confident person and can show everyone the ‘new me’. So why not cut the ties for now? I wanted to shock my friends and family. In a way i had to lead two lives. On the week and weekends I will put the mask of the confident guy who is outgoing and friendly to all polish people. During my Skype meeting with parents, i would put on the mask of this obedient, well behaved son of my parents.

Searching for the ‘Indian in Polish’, and the ‘Polish in Indian’

This period was marked with depression in life. For around 3 years i had depression. I was thinking of going to therapy, but i was putting the visit off, because i was afraid of the consequences. Change seemed like a very horrifying concept. At this moment i did not know about who i was. I felt like a lost case.  Many times i was also thinking of death. Feeling depressed and having thoughts about death is not something that You could share with Your friends(even though i mentioned the term death, please don’t think that at any moment i really even contemplated doing it. I was not that weak to even contemplate it). I also carried a lot of angst towards my parents during this period, and blamed the difficulty i was facing in adjusting to the European life here, to my parents and their style of parenting. They were very disappointed with my attitude. I thought they did not put much attention to my upbringing. (this was not the case). I did not know if i loved Poland, or i hated it. I was a tree with its roots strongly held in India, and was trying to pluck the roots away and put them in Poland. It was too late until i could realise that I’am Indian, and that I will always be Indian. No matter how many years i will be in Poland, my past and my identity will always be Indian. I have to accept it. Now i have my roots in two countries, half in Poland and half in India.

Thankfully I had one friend, who was kind enough to lend a helping hand during this period of my life. She suggested that i visit a psychologist. By far the best decision i have ever made. The psychologist who helped me, is the most talented person who i have ever met. Thank You Ewa Blażej for Your help. If someone is facing troubles in their life, please visit her. She would be more than happy to hear that some one heard about her, through this blog. This blog happened due to her help.

Now i am coming back to Jay. I have put the amulet back on. I am happy than i was before. My depression has gone. I have started to smile a lot, and joke with my friends. Iam so happy that the tough times are behind me.

On an end note, I am leaving You with the address to Ms. Ewa Błażej’s blog-

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